just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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