I got chris browned last night
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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