If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
