There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
