So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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