I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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