After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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