the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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