I skipped work to stalk him.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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