In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
