we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
