I feel great
I just peed on a car
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
