You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
