The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
