You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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