I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
