I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
