so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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