my phone needs a breathalizer
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
