Can Purell be used as lube?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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