theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
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