I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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