my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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