The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
