theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I pour the whiskey from now on
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
