I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
