Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
