I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
