o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
