How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
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Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
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i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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