I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
