Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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