In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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