I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize
