so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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