i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
