please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
