Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
