Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
whose ass print is on the piano?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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