i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
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New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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