I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I am one with the molecules
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
