this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
