I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
