I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
