i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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