I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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