I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
