Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
