his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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