Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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