I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
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