I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
