are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
