I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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