I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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