I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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