Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
