I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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